Blissful sin
by Tsuki no mizu
Summary: Like a sailor to a mermaid I was entirely at her will, I have never been able to deny her anything and tonight was no exception. The honeymoon experience from Edward's POV. Takes place in Breaking Dawn Edward x Bella. R
1. Chapter 1

This takes place in the honeymoon between Edward and Bella in Breaking dawn (so if you haven't read it I strongly recommend you to stop now), the POV of Edward in their first night and first time.

None of the characters belong to me.

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**My bliss, My sin**

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One hundred years of life couldn't prepare me for this. I could have lived a thousand years and this new experience would have been as new and as incredibly indescribable as it was. As I keep remembering, as I somehow continue regretting.

I stared at the moon, the pale wise goddess that made my skin ghostly white, so unnatural and repulsive. What was I thinking, and more importantly, what was _she _thinking. The ocean´s waves kept hitting my icy skin. I watched my hands before going completely underwater, my skin was like ice, impersonal hurtful ice, with some luck the ocean's temperature will warm it up, even momentarily, only to not make her flinch when I touched her.

I remained underwater, she was now in the bathroom, taking a bath, it's been so much since I was human that I really don't see how she feels like washing herself so frequently, I couldn't understand how could she being so self conscious about her body, she was perfect, on the other hand I was _not _and somehow it didn't bother her.

I resurfaced, not because of the lack of air, I don't need air, at least I didn't use to until I met her, then breathing became a necessity, to taste the air around her became as important as blood for me. I heard her footsteps and paid special attention to them, she was walking on wet floor, and I've heard that most of the accidents happen in the bathroom. It frightened me, more than anything. They were so frail, all humans; but she, she was like a porcelain doll, a really breakable one. She could slip in the bathroom and hit her head, she could die in a car crash, she could choke while eating, catch a really weird disease, food poisoning, she could even been stung by a jellyfish. There were so many things that I panicked, every one of her days could be her last, every day of her life brings her closer to her last, and therefore _my last._

_If I had a heart I'll be having a stroke._

I heard her come closer but I didn't have the bravery to look at her, her scent lingered in the air intoxicating me, numbing my mind. She timidly came even closer; I could hear the waves caressing her fair skin, I could hear her wild heartbeat and in my skin I could feel her warmth, even when she hadn't touched me yet.

She took my hand, her soft blazing hot skin sent shivers down my spine, or at least I felt so even if maybe that's physiological y unlikely,

"Beautiful" she said looking at the moon

"It's alright" I said unimpressed and turned to look at her slowly.

I opened my eyes beyond my proper manners yelled me to, I eyed her so intensely and probably in such a lustful way that she blushed in a darker shade that anything I've seen before. I tried strongly to take my gaze off of her, to be the gentleman I was raised to be but it was like her whole body screamed to me, like a mermaid to a sailor I was entirely at her will.

""But I wouldn't use the word _beautiful" _I continued."Not with you standing here in comparison." I added sincerely

She half-smiled, then raised her free hand and placed it over my heart. I shuddered at the sensations of her warm touch as my breath came rougher now.

"I promised we would _try" _I whispered tense again "If... if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once." she nodded seriously, keeping her eyes on mine. She then took another determined step through the waves and leaned her head against my chest.

She was braver than I was, fearless, it couldn't be like this, _it shouldn't be._

I could kill her. With her in front of me radiating perfection I was most than uncertain that I would be able to restrain myself. I felt like I could lose control and more than frightened I realized a great part of me _wanted_ to lose control. I'm such a repulsive monster.

"Don't be afraid," she murmured. "We belong together." I wrapped my arms around her, holding her against me

"Forever," I agreed still afraid of myself, and then pulled us gently into deeper water.

Her hand begun tracing the hard and dead muscles in my arm, and I felt like they came to life at her burning touch, I knew she had a pretty good idea of what was in my mind, of what troubled me, she was a intelligent woman. Besides, unfortunately Jacob Black had been awfully graphic about it in the wedding reception.

"I trust you" she reassured again into my ear before tracing little shy kisses down my neck, I tried to bite back a growl that embarrassingly came out as a purr, she chuckled and continued her kissing, my hands begun moving against my mind's command, I felt her shiver when I grabbed her by the waist so I drew my hands back and clenched them into hard fists, I repulsed myself so much. I looked at her apologetically and I saw her pouting

"I apologize" I said to her, she was upset, angry and I couldn't blame her. She kissed me in the lips, her sweet aroma all around me, her soft warm body pressed against mine; still I obliged my hands to remain immobile. Her kiss was getting fiercer, more impatient with every one of her breaths, she parted my lips with her tongue and unintentionally my throat produced a soft moan, I felt her smile and deepen the kiss.

I have never been able to resist her, and probably I will never be able to.

I began to kiss her back, my hands leaving stillness and entwining in her hair, tracing her back. She threw her arms around me and I lifted her from the warm ocean making her gasp but still not breaking the war our lips were committed to, I felt her hands playing with my hair as I reached the front door of the house, I had to leave her a human like moment, I would walk her to the bed in a human pace, letting her enjoy every moment. Besides it was extremely pleasant for me as well, her hands were no longer in my hair but going up and down in my back, her lips had given up and were picking a battle with my earlobes. For the first time in a century I was afraid to fall down so I focused really hard on every object in the floor or every stair.

When we reached to the big white bed I laid her down softly, she felt like crystal in my hands, so breakable. I took a step back and as a reflex she got up and sat in the edge of the bed as to invite me to lie next to her. I felt my eyes wonder again in awe, the white surrounding the room made her look even more stunning, I allowed my eyes to detail her and memorize every aspect of the way she looked like now. Her cheeks were the most beautiful shade of pink, her dark hair cascaded past her shoulders framing her angel like face and contrasting perfectly with her fair skin, her body perfectly proportioned, her curves flawlessly pronounced and her chocolate eyes shining more than anything I've seen. I felt unworthy, so little compared to her, so self conscious that I fought back the urge of covering up.

"Edward" no sound was as blissful as her voice calling at me –even when it was a little impatient-, all insecurities gone I grinned

"Calm, calm my love, you can't expect someone to run into the most sublime picture and don't admire" she blushed darker and her heart began to pound harder.

"Look who's talking"

I leaned over her, taking her slowly down to the bed again, I begun to kiss her delicately on the lips, then I had fun tracing ways on all her body feeling her shiver and moan softly, the little sounds from her awakened feelings I never knew, urgencies that clouded my judgment and that I couldn't control, my hands wandered through all her body, memorizing her, enjoying the heat of her skin against me. Everything was a tornado of sensations, her hands and kisses on me, her blood racing on her almost translucent skin, her scent and her heavy breaths. It was too much, I begun to feel impatient, and I knew she felt it too, but could I control myself? So far I've proven that I couldn't

"I love you" and smiled to me, as giving me permission, as knowing what I was afraid of

"I love you too, I've always have, I'll always will" she kissed me lightly, positioned herself and closed her eyes. I sighed and doubted, seeing her, smelling her, sensing her and tasting her, could I be able to finish this so called expression of love without killing her?, I felt like I was going to get a migraine and I heard her sigh again, pursing her lips in anticipation and I fought back the urge of taking her. I breathed slowly, trying to tame my own needs, at least enough to control my strength. I entered her slowly, calculating every move, she gasped and I stopped feeling my whole body go colder

"Bella, are you fine?" she opened her eyes and it pained me terribly to see tears clouding her gorgeous brown gaze, she nodded and I know that if I could cry I would be doing it for her to forgive me

"it's normal you know?" she said in a gentle voice, I remained still, not wanting to hurt her any further, of course I knew the first time is painful for women, but was this pain normal or did I overdid it. She moved against me, adjusting, sending waves of bliss trough all my body and I clenched my fists fighting the urge of keep going, but she moved again and my thoughts were blurry, she did it one more time and I followed her, not able to resist her anymore, as always.

If I could ever go to heaven, it'll be like this, like her. Isabella Marie Swan, or even better, Isabella Marie Cullen all over my cold skin sending waves of fire through all my body, her heart, breath and moans were the most exquisite melody the gods could have composed, her sweet fragrance like a drug, like a substance I needed to live. If I have a soul I can only beg to heaven to be like this.

She yelled my name and I felt her reaching ecstasy, I smiled and lead her to the heaven she'd been kind enough to show me, to the heaven she was entitled to more than I was; then she was there, in that heaven with me, our little moment of eternity in the mist of her mortality.

I watched her sleep as I always did, the feathers of the now destroyed pillow all over her dark hair, her face tranquil and her lips adorned by the prettiest smile; I caressed her cheek removing a feather that lingered lazily there noticing happily that the cold of my skin relaxed her. Maybe she wasn't that used to warm weather. Then I looked at her, really looked at her and I felt unworthy again, monstrous, unconsidered and furious.

As an immortal being time becomes meaningless, seconds, minutes, hours, days months and years are the same to me. So my new way of measure time was by her breaths and heartbeats. I listened to them until the sun rose, and then long after sunrise, she didn't wake up. I was growing impatient, I could hear her breathe and her heart sounded unharmed, but why didn't she wake up? Absentmindedly I trailed down the contours of her spine when I felt her breathing pace change; she was awake still she remained in my chest without opening her eyes, so I continued drawing patters on her milky skin. Her stomach was uneasy, and she laughed at the evident hunger

"What's funny?" I tried to say casually, I didn't succeed and a shade of red covered her pretty face and neck, as it had life of its own her stomach growled

"You just can't escape being human for very long." I didn't laugh, I couldn't and then she became suspicious, began to move in order to get a better glimpse of my face, I couldn't look at her, The guilt prohibited my eyes to look into hers, what would I say to her?, what pathetic excuse could I come up with?. There was no excuse, no possible explanation to justify her bruises.

"Edward" she said "What is it? What is wrong?" What is wrong I repeated in my head letting it stab me, letting it sink and hurt me, I deserved it

"You have to ask?" didn't she understand? Didn't she see the terrible danger I was to her, the selfish I had been, I looked at her, her forehead showed her concern, I wish I could read her mind, bet she's taking all on herself, that pained me even more

"What are you thinking?" I said softening my tone as much as I could as I smoothed the worried lines on her forehead.

"You're upset. I don't understand. Did I... ?" I couldn't let her finish, I felt my eyes tightened as I asked her straightforward

"How badly are you hurt, Bella? The truth – don't try to downplay it."

"Hurt?" she asked in honest surprise, so honest that it upset me, she begun checking her muscles moving her arms, stretching her body

"Why would you jump to that conclusion? I've never been better than I am now." She said offended; I couldn't bear to see her, I felt so guilty that I closed my eyes

"Stop that." I said embarrassed and culpable, everything from that moment made my mind, I was not to put her in danger ever again, I was supposed to protect her, I took an oath to be her guardian, I've fought too hard against everything and above that against myself to keep her sound and safe, I wouldn't put her in peril, that would mean to avoid intimacy with her again, even when in this moment of anguish and guilt I want to taste her body and hear her enjoyment one more time. I can't allow the monster to resurface, even when it pained me now, pained me more than when I couldn't resist the temptation of her blood. This urge was stronger than thirst, and it will hurt to ignore it, but I had no choice, no option.

Yes, last night was the best night of existence, of my life, and it would remain as a memory, as a blissful fantasy. No matter how much that hurts.

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Hope you liked it, and I hope you leave reviews with your opinions.

See you in the next chapter :D


	2. Chapter 2

None of this characters belong to me, even some of the lines are typed out of breaking dawn to keep the moment more accurate with what S. Meyer wrote.

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**And so I'll burn in hell**

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Everything was going according to plans, I've been keeping her busy and physically exhausted so she would stop going over the sex subject, sometimes she was so tired to talk about it that it only took a couple of minutes of looking to the other side and I'll have to drag her sleeping body to bed. She was lucky to be able to sleep, she could forget the topic for hours, besides she was sleeping much more than she used to, maybe my plans were working a little bit too well.

I wished I could hear her talk in her dreams, it was my way of dreaming too but since we arrived she hadn't say a word. I hated it, not only I've lost my only way to glimpse into her mind but also I had too much time to think. I looked at her sleeping face, not able to look at her body, not only because the constant desire threatened my mind, but also because of the purple spots in her porcelain skin, my regular reminders of my thoughtless actions. The night went by, as the last one had gone by proving my patience, my endurance, torturing my mind. Practice, I remember she'd say we only needed practice to improve, as if it was necessary to me to keep hurting her, she was crazy and as appealing as the idea was, I couldn't take any risk to lose or hurt her.

The next day went really well, snorkeling was fun and the only thing that pained me more than the bruises that luckily were beginning to fade, was the incredibly small bikini Alice had bought for my blushing bride. Every now and then I'd take a look or two at her body, her milky, slim, tempting body, feeling the longing building up in mine, feeling my hands burn with the memory of our first blissful and fateful night, I was grateful that we were already by the sea, so it wouldn't look awkward for me to dive unexpectedly to calm my imagination down. When the night arrived I was worried, Bella had not fallen asleep as usual after her dinner and she had been in the bathroom for an abnormally long time. A flaw in my plan, I remained still in bed, fighting myself to go into the shower with her, I had to keep my word, be the gentleman I was supposed to be and think of her welfare before my own needs.

The door opened slowly, and I felt my eyes were going to jump out of my head. She was making this gentleman thing way too hard. She was not wearing the usual pretty, still easier to resist silk sleeping lingerie, the one she was wearing now was way smaller, covering only what necessary, was black so it contrasted beautifully with her skin, the look on her face was seductive making my mind go on fire.

"What do you think?" she asked, pirouetting so I could appreciate her in every possible angle, the woman was driving me insane. I cleared my throat in a vain attempt to control myself

"You look beautiful. You always do"

"Thanks," She said hurt, sour. It looked like if she wanted to start a fight but the tiredness of her body betrayed her, so she climbed into the bed and I put my arms around her so she could sleep comfortably, even when right now holding her close felt like a torture to my already weak will.

"I'll make you a deal" she said sleepily and I knew the conditions beforehand

"I will not make any deals with you" I said hoping she would drop asleep in any moment

"You haven't even heard what I'm offering." She wasn't giving up

"It doesn't matter." Neither was I, she sighed and begun playing dirty

"Dang it. And I really wanted... Oh well." She said innocently, I rolled my eyes, biting my tongue as I heard her yawn, her words danced in my mind, she knew I had a weakness for her desires, I couldn't help but try to make every dream of her come true

"All right, what is it you want?" I said almost defeated. _Almost._

"Well, I was thinking... I know that the whole Dartmouth thing was just supposed to be a cover story, but honestly, one semester of college probably wouldn't kill me," I had a suspicion of the way things were turning "Charlie would get a thrill out of Dartmouth stories, I bet. Sure, it might be embarrassing if I can't keep up with all the brainiacs. Still... eighteen, nineteen. It's really not such a big difference. It's not like I'm aging to get crow's feet in the next year."

She was playing dirty but the offer was so tempting, I rephrased her words as to let them sink in me

"You would wait. You would stay human." My dream and yet my nightmare.

"Why are you _doing _this to me?" I said in an angrier tone than I like to use around her, it wasn't fair with me, I was trying, I was really truthfully and effortlessly trying. _Why did the lamb want to be sacrificed so badly at expenses of the lion's mental health? _"Isn't it hard enough without all of this?" I grabbed a handful of lace that was on her thigh suddenly thinking of ripping it off and finishing this matter, take her again, make her happy and make myself happy. I breathed, trying to calm my desire and frustration, I let go of the black fabric "It doesn't matter. I won't make any deals with you."

"I want to go to college." She insisted

"No, you don't. And there is nothing that is worth risking your life again. That's worth hurting you." I told her pained by her insistence; didn't she know what she was doing to me?

"But I _do _want to go. Well, it's not college as much as it's that I want, I want to be human a little while longer." I closed my eyes, looking at her wasn't helping me, then I breathed deeply and I could taste her in the air. It was an incredibly delicious flavor, not only her blood but also her anticipation, so sweet, so heavenly

"You are making me insane, Bella. Haven't we had this argument a million times, you always begging to be a vampire without delay?" Now that I wanted to be with her so badly and had actually seen the bright side of turning her into a vampire, she was backing off

"Yes, but... well, I have a reason to be human that I didn't have before."

"What's that?" I said suddenly realizing I was being selfish, did she really wanted to remain human?, I chastised myself mentally for that as she continued

"Guess," she said, and moved into me, planting a warm sweet and desperate kiss in my lips.

I kissed her back, having every move calculated; I then pulled her back carefully before she got what she wanted. Kill my sanity.

"You are _so _human, Bella; Ruled by your hormones." I chuckled in pain as I realized how much I loved and hated that

"That's the whole point, Edward. I _like _this part of being human. I don't want to give it up yet. I don't want to wait through years of being a blood-crazed newborn for some part of this to come back to me." She finally yawned; she would fall asleep in no time

"You're tired. Sleep, love." And I started humming her lullaby that always relaxed her, helped her sleep

"I wonder why I'm so tired," she muttered full of sarcasm "That couldn't be part of your scheme or anything." It was impossible to hold a chuckle then I continued humming.

I was thinking of the proposal she'd just made, she was killing me, I took a glimpse of her body in the dim light, I growled full of frustration, she looked so beautiful, I was going to kill Alice. Her breathing pattern suddenly changed and before I could start humming again she had woken up and gasped

"Bella?" I whispered as softly as I could, she didn't respond so I shacked her lightly; very careful of not hurting her "Are you all right, sweetheart?"

"Oh" was all she said before tears begun to stream down her face; A cold dagger went through my frozen heart, frantically I eyed her and begun to heard her more intently trying to figure out what was off in her body, everything seemed right, _seemed._

"Bella!" I said louder "What's wrong?" I asked as I tried to clean the unstoppable stream of tears

"It was only a dream." She said sobbing, that sound broke my heart, or the ghost of it

"It's okay, love, you're fine. I'm here." I took her in my arms and begun to rock her back and forth "Did you have another nightmare? It wasn't real, it wasn't real."

"Not a nightmare, it was a _good _dream." What?

"Then why are you crying?" I asked puzzled

"Because I woke up," I laughed at her unique way of being, still a little concerned cursing the fact that I couldn't just read her mind.

"Everything's all right, Bella. Take deep breaths."

"It was so real," she kept sobbing, crying. "I _wanted _it to be real."

"Tell me about it" I told her running my fingers through her silky hair trying to soothe her "Maybe that will help."

"We were on the beach. ..." She looked at me and the sadness in her eyes stabbed me

"And?" I reassured her to continue

"Oh, Edward ..." her anguish was unbearable; I wished more than ever that I could hear her thoughts, find exactly the right words to say

"Tell me, Bella" I begged, I couldn't stand her being like this any longer

She suddenly caught me off guard, her lips crushed into mine with such need, a longing as big as mine, her kiss made the rest of my skin itch with jealousy, I wanted her lips to wander over my body, I wanted to kiss her in her more intimate places, **I needed to… stop**. I pulled her away seeing my rejection killing the shine in her eyes.

"No, Bella," I said trying to convince her as hard as I was trying to convince myself. She looked to her hands as her shoulders begun to shake lightly, new tears forming in her eyes

"I'm s-s-s-orry," I felt like I was burning alive, I hugged her tightly

"I can't, Bella, I can't!" I moaned in pain as her scent mixed with tears made my mind ache, of need, of failure. Made me feel horrible for hurting and rejecting her but also made me feel monstrous for wanting to give in, for wanting to be reckless and made love to her not worrying about her wellbeing.

"Please" she begged against my chest and I felt like I couldn't stand it any longer "Please, Edward?" she said putting to sleep my conscience, my fears and my boundaries

It was too much, I could bear with my anxiety but I couldn't deny her anything, I kissed her surrendering with a groan, she threw her arms around my neck still sobbing for the tears in her eyes, I quickly begun kissing her down her neck and jaw line, sweet little kisses trying to calm her down, but she wasn't in the mood for sweet innocent kisses so she threw herself at my neck and begun kissing it with uncharacteristic roughness, it was new, so different from her sweet somehow timid behavior of the first night. Her hands begun to fight frantically with the buttons of my shirt, she groaned as I chuckled at her impatience. I pulled her away gently and begun unbuttoning my shirt, slowly, teasing her and I was more than delighted when she begun eyeing me lustfully. Once I had stripped from my shirt I bent down to kiss her again, running my hands through her silky skin while taking pleasure of her sighs I then felt I needed to strip her off that lacy black lingerie that barely covered her, I tried to leave the piece of clothing intact, I really liked it but I begun getting frustrated at my unsuccessful attempt of getting her naked, it was her turn to laugh.

"Too much for you Mr. Cullen?" I grinned devilishly

"I don't think so Mrs. Cullen" and I ripped the black fabric from her white skin making her gasp and cover herself in a sudden attack of shyness I chuckled and begun tracing her flat stomach with my long fingers trying to melt away her timidity, she giggled when I touched a sensitive spot

"It tickles" she said blushing slightly. Did she had any idea of how beautiful she was, no she didn't I know that firsthand and so it'll be my eternal duty, convince her of her splendor. I put off my pants and saw her blush even darker before closing the space between us, she then begun biting my earlobe really lightly, she was a quick learner, only one time we've been together and she already knew one of my weakest spots. I laid her carefully on the bed and begun kissing her neck; I loved the way she shuddered with pleasure when I touched her, the way her breath pace incremented and blood rushed to her neck and face. Again I marveled myself with her blood rushing through her translucent skin it was so inviting, so appealing, it obliged me to want her more. But incredibly against all instincts I wanted her alive, I wanted the pain her scent caused to my throat, I wanted the aching thirst, I wanted and enjoyed it all, because it meant she was alive, she was with me, she was _mine_.

She moaned at the sensation my tongue caused in her neck, I allowed my hands to wander, to feel her, her curves, her warmth and softness. She kissed me again hard in the lips, even when it really felt like a gentle breeze against my mouth, I treasured her human frailty as much as I feared it, I adored the way she felt so delicate in my hands, so crystal like.

"I love you Edward Cullen" she told me with such want that I knew I had to make her mine

"I love you too Isabella Cullen" she groaned and I chuckled as I prepared myself for her "Please excuse me, _Bella _Cullen" she smiled approvingly as I begun moving into her, with extreme care, this time she didn't felt pain which relieved me immensely and begun moving with her, at the beginning in a delicate slow motion, slowly increasing making every single inch of my body burn with pleasure, she moaned my name and I knew that she was closer to ecstasy, we continued our dance until I felt the decisive wave of climax 'damn' I cursed inwardly as I felt her coming as well, it was such a powerful force that I needed to get it out, My hands searched frantically for anything besides my frail and blushed bride, then they found the bed frame, the hard not living bed frame.

We both gasped for air, even when I really don't need it I felt like I would die if I didn't inhale, she looked at me, her deep chocolate eyes dazzlingly shiny, her skin flushed and her lips red in a lovingly smile. God I loved her so much

"Do you know how incredibly beautiful you are?" she chuckled, as if I'd said a joke, I kissed her in the forehead and she sigh at the contact of my cold lips with her heated skin, I accommodated myself next to her and hugged her, she yawned and I smirked "bed time for the human?"

"Bed time for the human" she repeated drowsily I chuckled and begun singing to her.

She had fallen asleep easily, not even noticing the thunder like sound of the wood being broken or the splinters that I had looked for carefully so she wouldn't get hurt. Once she was unconscious I examined her naked body in detail, I smiled not being able to help the pride and happiness that swelled my chest.

_Not a single injury, _completely safe, completely satisfied and content my beautiful Bella slept in my chest, I could look at her without shame, I could be the husband she deserved, I could love her as a _man. _

Not as a vampire that endangered her I could make love to her, be one with her as a man, a man that lives for her, breathes for her and that in absence of a heart took care of hers.

For the first time in many nights I didn't envy her capacity of sleeping for now I could replay those memories over and over again, without rest. I sighed and begun caressing her back as I dreamed for the first time in ages with my eyes fixed in the ceiling.

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